Thursday, April 24, 2008

Prêt-à-Porter

The 11th Annual Rift Valley Cup is upon us, which means the annual hunt for orange pants has consumed our lives this last week. You see, there is a small but highly influential Dutch contingent that flies in from Holland every year just to attend the event. Orange is the official color of the Dutch soccer team (which is why, Marit, I was surprised to read that you didn't like the orange door on your new house - he, he, he). Anyway, to show his solidarity, not only to the Dutch, but to the University of Tennessee which embraces the exact same disturbing hue, Jeff excitedly pulls out every orange item of clothing he owns and packs it for the trip. This morning he left in this shirt. And some pants, but I was so blinded by the shirt that I cannot confirm the color or style of pants, only that they were not orange.

Between the Volunteers and the Gators, orange shirts are relatively easy to come by. But orange pants are another matter entirely. I believe we can all admit that there is absolutely no good reason anyone should own a pair of orange pants unless that individual happens to reside in a penitentiary. Consequently, it is understandable that no retail estabishment in any surburban mall would carry such an item. Understandable to me, that is. Jeff has to prove it to himself every year. Last year, when his mile walk around Concord Mills was in vain, he actually went as far as to order a pair of pants online from an institutional uniform site.

Fetching, no? These were the right color but were rejected due to their 100% polyester status which inspired questions as to their breathability on the course. Also, I believe, because he was afraid someone would call the cops and they would send the K-9 unit to track him down.

Realizing prison apparel maybe wasn't his best bet, this year Jeff took a different approach to his quest for orange pants.

First he took an old pair of khakis...

Then he made his cousin pose with the Rit dye.

(Okay, I did that, but Cousin Patrick is so accommodating, photogenic, and all around adorable that I just can't help myself. He's single ladies, and he knows about all there is to know about produce. Just to give you the 411.)

Mix it all around with some boiling water and salt. To protect against third degree burns, wear your wife's favorite blue gloves which will heretoforth be destroyed. Fortunately, during this photographic tour, said wife will notice something sitting up in the windowsill and become very distracted by it.

Sip, sip. Slurp, slurp. Strangely, my blue glove loss is not looking nearly as dismal.
And my husband is looking hotter than ever.

Which I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with the steam coming off the dye bath.

Survey your progess repeatedly. Smile gleefully when you realize it is working. Contemplate embarking on a new career as a fashionista.

Try to forget about the drought as you watch gallons of orange water flow down the drain.

Promise your wife you will never upon never wash your new orange pants with ANYTHING ELSE IN THE HOUSE. They will always be washed ALONE, just like they are right now.

As predicted, the finished product is not only much more breathable in its new cotton blend, but is so versatile it can be worn with almost anything.

Hello Walmart? This is Jeff. Why yes, I'd love to design a clothing line for you.

5 comments:

  1. Welcome back! I have missed reading your posts.
    Where does your dutch contingency come from? Any chance of me sending a little something along with them?

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  2. Melanie! So glad to see you back up and blogging. And please relay to Jeff that he looks quite fetching in his blaze orange pants!

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  3. Welcome back to blogging. Missed you much. And what a great post to debut with. Jeff looks hot in those prison pants. Maybe you should get some handcuffs to go with the outfit.

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  4. Uncle Dave in IraqApril 27, 2008 at 7:21 AM

    JUST perfect when it's so UT Orange it makes u'r toes turn under (last photo). :-)

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